Clive's Joke of the Week

 

 

 

 

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


  Top 5 Smart Arse answers............


SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked. 
"Yes or no," she replied.


 
SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. 
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."


SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. 
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could." 
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


 
SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road.  A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"


SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR AND NUMBER 1!
A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering..
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."


A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

 

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door.

 

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement.

 

But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied:

"Yes, we did look, But your client didn't."

 

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 

'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder .' 

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, So he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it. 

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'

 

 

An incredibly beautiful, smoking-hot woman drove through a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.

 

Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

 

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! there's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

 

Dumbfounded at his good fortune to meet such a gorgeous woman the man replied, "I agree with you completely.

 

This must be a sign from God!"

 

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

 

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

 

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

 

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

 

 

A man received email message from his neighbour:

 

"Sorry sir, I am using your wife... day and night... when you are not present at home.... In fact - more than you.

 

I confess because now I feel very much guilty...

 

Hope you will accept my sincere apologies".

 

.. And the man shot his wife.......

 

A few minutes later he received another message:

 

"Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... WI FI. Not wife".

 

 

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

 

 

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

 

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

 

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

 

 

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

 

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

 

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

 

 

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

 

At a Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

  

     

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

 

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

  

 

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." 
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.." 
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'" 

 

A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. 

I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

 

 

A blind guy on a bar stool at the pub and shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a great blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.” Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer here is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt in Judo. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a ex rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a world series wrestler.

But the main thing I wanted to tell you is that all of us here are blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

 

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

 A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.

Then, nothing.

But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs The drunk, "

and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,

 "You idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day; to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time. I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration..''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
''Now; if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

 

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few,

and noticed two very large women by the bar.
They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"
One of them chirped, saying, "It's WALES , you

friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said,
"I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"
That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

 

 

1.

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.


3.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


4.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).


7.

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.


8.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


9.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


11..

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.


12.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


13.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


14.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.


15.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.


16.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.


17.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.


18.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


19.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.